I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
