I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
