I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He felt like a one man threesome
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
