I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
