Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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