The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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