after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
