2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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