remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
