I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
