i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
