my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
