listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
