I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
