My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
