She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
