There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
