she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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