I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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