Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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