I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
