I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
