My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
