walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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