You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
