Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
