im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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