One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
