I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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