i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
