If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
