So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
