I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
