The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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