my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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