I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
