this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
