I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
