please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
