the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
