I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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