I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
