I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
