I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
