plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
