Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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