You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
