"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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