How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Come see our sink grown plant.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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