I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
