I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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