Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
